Amazing Ability To Forget

I had a lovely appointment with Gordon today, it was very relaxed and we spent quite a bit of time just chatting about where I'm hoping to go from this point on this journey. He asked me how my cycles have been and I told him that they are all over the place and I'm pretty sure I've not been ovulating. I told him that I couldn't understand why my cycles are so messed up for the past few months because they have always been so regular.

Gordon's response: "Anne-Marie, you have this amazing ability to forget".
I had to ask him what he was talking about.... which prompted him to remind me of the major surgery I had been through just 4 months ago... I guess I must have blocked it out to some degree, but I would have to agree with Gordon about the amazing ability that I have to forget past pain or perhaps block it out.
Its quite strange for me when I read back through this blog and read about all the things I have been through on this journey... every procedure, every cycle, everything that went right... and then ultimately... went wrong. Sometimes it feels to me like I am reading somebody else's story, I feel almost parallel to it, like I'm watching it happening to myself as if it were happening to someone else.

Gordon placed needles in my right arm and wrist today and then left me for a bit. When he returned, he placed needles in my forehead and temples and once again left me alone for a short time. While I was laying on the bed with needles in my face and arms, I heard a lady come in to the waiting room. It was clearly this lady's first appointment with Gordon because I overheard her tell Gordon that she had finally found the place. She sounded very bubbly, very confident...... it made me think about my first appointment with Gordon... and I believe 'I finally found the place' were my first words to him too. I remember having trouble finding the clinic, but once I did... I didn't go in straight away. I sat in the car trying to psyche myself up for yet another appointment at yet another clinic. I remember trying to summon up the strength to feign confidence and bubbliness and somehow give the impression that I was ok and I was in control. I had been through so much even up to that point, I was really struggling with it.... but I wasn't going to let him see that.... at that point, he was nothing to me but yet another appointment at yet another clinic. I thought today about the sadness that I tried so hard to hide at that first appointment, the grief that I didn't want him to see and how I had entered Gordon's clinic back in 2011 in pretty much the exact same way that this lady entered his clinic today. It made me wonder if perhaps she had sat in her car for a few minutes trying to 'pull herself together', if maybe she was feigning confidence and bubbliness too, did she stop outside the door and take a deep breath before entering, as I had done, did she have the same feelings of entering into yet another world of uncertainty that I had  over 2 years ago.

When Gordon returned to the room I was in, I mentioned to him that I could sense the vibes of sadness from the lady in the waiting room.... (I guess I don't know if I could actually sense them, or perhaps I was just recalling them from my own experiences). Ever the professional... he responded by telling me that there are a few ladies out there :-)

My appointment finished shortly after that and I left the clinic... completely oblivious to the fact that I had brought my mother to Cork with me and dropped her off at the shopping centre on my way to Gordon's clinic...... I was back on the motorway before I even remembered that I had abandoned her in Cork! I returned to the shopping centre and picked her up and then we were on the way home again. The whole way home, I couldn't stop thinking about that lady who had come into the waiting room. I have no idea who she was or what she even looked like, all I knew was that I felt such a strong connection to her. I felt like I was two years down a road that she was just embarking on. I could be completely wrong about all of this and I guess... in all honesty... I will never truly know because it is unlikely that our paths will ever cross again (not that they really even crossed this time), its just interesting how something so simple can raise so many memories and so many questions.

I bet no matter how she was feeling when she entered that clinic.... she was feeling a million times better by the time she left........

Opportunities........

I've been writing this blog for nearly three years now, and during that time I have been contacted by more people than I could ever have imagined, people who are going through IVF or fertility issues, people who are just starting on their journey, people who were IVF babies themselves, people who are supporting friends going through IVF. I've been contacted by public figures, fertility clinics all over the world, alternative medicine practitioners, and of course... the people who think that I shouldn't be putting this kind of stuff on the internet.

Something happened today that initially made my eyes light up and made me remember why I started writing this blog in the first place..... in the hope of making IVF and baby loss less 'taboo' subjects. It was my dream to reach a point where people weren't afraid to talk about what they are going through or how they are feeling, and I felt like I was on the way to making this happen on some level.

This morning I was contacted by RTE (the main television broadcasting agency here in Ireland), they asked me if I would be interested in featuring in a 6-month series that they are making to be aired next year. They had seen my blog and were interested in my story, but more so they were interested in my willingness and openness to talk about what I have been through.
My initial reaction was one of elation, that I would now have a decent platform to help people become more knowledgeable about IVF and baby loss and all things fertility related. It was such an honour to be asked... I couldn't believe that my little blog... that I had started writing mostly as an outlet for myself had gotten me to the point where I was being asked to feature in a TV series. I spoke in detail with the producer on the phone, and it really was seeming quite appealing to me.

I'm not sure what will happen or whether it even makes sense to go further with it. It would be a fantastic platform to tell our story, but  my journey is my journey, and while it has been a nightmare to date, I owe it to my angel babies and my husband and myself, to ensure that our story is only portrayed and told in the way that we want it to be.... the real way.

So...... I don't know if I'm going to be  TV star anytime soon. It is an absolute honour to be asked, and I'm still in disbelief that RTE have read my blog. I've quite quickly been reminded that I have a pretty good platform right here, my story has reached and touched tens of thousands of people, I can't really ask for more than that...... and anyway.... Lulu is afraid that the camera would make her look fat...!!! :-)


Now I want to talk about my acupuncturist and good friend, Gordon, who has recently become affiliated with the SIMS IVF clinic in Dublin and more recently in Cork. SIMS is the leading reproductive medicine clinic in Ireland and with Gordon working on their mind and body programme, it really can only get better. Well Done Gordon, that's really fantastic.
What I really love about this is that he is working on a programme that would be used during the dreaded two-week-wait.... the most horrible part of any IVF cycle, or in fact any cycle where there are fertility issues. That two week period between ovulation/transfer and your testing date... that is the time when you are most likely to get stressed out and be on the verge of going out of your mind... yep... that's why we start testing at day 4...!!! It is a stroke of pure genius to put together a programme to keep the mind and body (but mostly the mind) healthy during this time, and I know that anybody who is on a similar journey to mine will agree 100% with this. My only gripe with this is that it wasn't developed three years ago when I was starting my IVF journey...!!!

I also recently became aware that Gordon had linked my blog-page to his website, I really was honoured to discover this... it is a wonderful feeling when someone that you have so much respect for is willing to link your work to theirs.

The last thing that I wanted to mention about Gordon, is a slight tweak to his website Aculife. Gordon has added an instant chat feature to the site. When you enter the site you will see an orange box to the bottom right of the screen, this will either say Contact Us or Chatting Now. When it says Contact Us,  you can leave a message and contact details and Gordon will get back to you as soon as he can, but.... when it says Chatting Now, you can chat to Gordon in real time and get the answers to your important questions and queries right there and then. I absolutely love this feature. Anyone who is on this journey will confirm that you don't get any answers straight away, every question that you ask is followed by a long drawn out process and most of the time, you never get the answers that you were looking for. I think this is a fantastic opportunity for anybody who is considering acupuncture or is perhaps just starting out on their journey to parenthood, whichever path they take. I know how daunting it is to take that first step... in all honesty... Gordon's number was written on a post-it, stuck to the side of my desk for about 6 months before I summoned up the courage to make that first call... and now I can honestly say that making that call was one of the best things I have ever done in my life.... (Gordon may not agree though... I'm sure after seeing me for over two years, he must be looking into restraining orders or something at this stage...!!!)

One more thing I wanted to write about.... One of my closest friends had a beautiful baby girl last week. She is the most perfect little thing, ten perfect fingers, ten perfect toes, everything about her is perfect. I wanted so badly to go and see her but I was afraid that it would be really difficult for me... as it has been with new babies in the past. I got a text from my friend on Wednesday to say that she was at home and visitor-free if I would like to come and visit. My reaction surprised me...
I was excited... I was anxious about seeing the new baby, but I was so happy to be going to visit my friend. I hadn't really seen her that much towards the end of her pregnancy, it wasn't intentional, just how things worked out, and I was so looking forward to getting together with her.

I can tell you... my anxiousness completely melted as soon as I arrived at her house and this perfect little girl was placed in my arms. I didn't feel that usual sense of 'when will it be me?' that I usually feel. I was pure mesmerised by her absolute beauty, her perfectness. And when this beautiful little girl, just nine days old wrapped her fingers around my finger and wouldn't let go... that was probably the most amazing moment of my life. It amazed me that this tiny little being, less than 7 pounds in weight could fill me with such a wonderful sense of just being ok, because what can possibly be wrong when something so tiny and innocent can sleep happily in your arms, the picture of contentment, not a care in the world. I could have quite happily stayed there just holding her and looking at her all day.

Maybe some day it will be my turn, maybe it wont... but I can certainly appreciate the special moments in life, and this was by far one of the most special.