My first post in more than 2 months… here goes…….
I managed to get myself to a place where I found a balance
within myself, I found that I didn’t have to let things upset me just because
they were baby-related. I found that I could be around pregnant people and not
have it bother me as much as it used to. Most of all, I found that I was able
to identify what and who were really important in my life, I found I was able
to focus on what was really important and the people who are really important
in my life, and by removing the people and things that were causing me
unnecessary stress, I found that I was much happier and much more at ease.
I have had a bad couple of weeks lately though. It started
on the 2nd of October, exactly a year after the ectopic pregnancy/
losing twins/ emergency surgery/ chemotherapy episode and I found that it
affected me a lot more than I thought it would, I was genuinely upset at the
memories. It surprised me that it did upset me so much because I had thought
that I had reached a place where I could almost chose what upsets me and what
doesn’t….. turns out I was wrong…!!!
On top of that, it just seems that its one person after
another having their babies right now and while I am so happy for each and
every one of them, it just compounds for me that it is them and not me. I find
myself having to continually remind myself that my time will come, and while I
still genuinely believe that it will… the constant reminder that it is not
going to happen anytime soon is very very difficult for me.
I emailed Gordon this morning to tell him I was having a
crap time, he rang me straight away… Ok, so I got told off for allowing myself
to be feeling emotionally crap for 2 weeks and not contacting him sooner, but
he then reminded me that I am only human and my past will always be a part of
me and there will always be times when I feel down or upset. He also reminded
me that having a bad day is normal and it is only important to notice how
quickly you come out of your bad day, but sometimes when your bad days become
bad weeks and the next day does not seem any brighter than the last… that it is
ok to ask for help.
I haven’t been to see Gordon for quite a while, I haven’t
needed to. I had been doing so great emotionally and physically that I was almost
constantly in the state that I usually leave Gordon’s clinic in, and I think it
was because of that… that I didn’t contact him this time when I noticed that
this was more than just a bad day. He reminded me that ‘me not needing him’ is
actually a good thing, but I guess I just felt bad that I hadn’t really been in
touch.
So today is the 15th of October, International Pregnancy
and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Those of you who have followed this blog will
remember last year when I posted a picture of seven lighting candles. Parents
of angel babies around the world light candles for their little angels from 7-8pm on the 15th of October every
year.
This year, I have ten candles lighting, one for each of our
little angels, it is unfortunate that we have had to add another three candles
this year but here’s hoping that we will just be lighting 10 candles again next
year.xx.
