Day 16 .......... Day 17 .......... Its Not a Chicken...!!!

Yesterday was Day 16 but unfortunately my internet connection wouldnt stay connected long enough for me to post here.

I've had a crazy couple of days at work in preparation for the time I will take off after Implantation on Tuesday.

I started two new medications today, one of which is making me feel very strange and I keep getting really bad cramps.

I'm still having crazy cravings for fish, but I am prepared and have stocked up on smoked salmon...just in case...!!!

I am thinking that I will go into work for a bit on Tuesday Morning because i think if I stay at home..... I will be climbing the walls waiting for 10:30 to come so that I can call the Clinic and find out whether the embryo has survived the thawing process.
The Embyologist explained to us that  the embryo is like a sponge, when it is cyropreserved (frozen), it shrinks up, so when it is thawed it is supposed to spring back up, but sometimes it will collapse and then it will die.

So here's hoping all goes well with the thawing process.......which I keep calling 'defrosting' and keep being reminded that it is an embryo, not a chicken...!!!

Day 15 ........ I Need Fish

Day 15 and all I want is fish...!!!

I was doing pretty good all morning, but the evening was a different story.

I started the new medications today, they havent affected me too much...yet anyway.

I keep getting spontaneous cravings for fish, like real fish, its like a strong need for it and I just have to have it...!!!

Right now I am super-tired and feeling crap, so I'm gona get some sleep and hope to God I'll be feeling more human tomorrow...!!!

Day 14 ................ Six More Sleeps

Day 14 and what a lovely day it was.

I went into work this morning. I was a bit sore but wasnt feeling too bad. Was a productive morning at work and then I called out to see a friend for a cup of tea and some fabulous scones.

She has the most beautiful baby girl who is just 9 weeks old. I held her for a few minutes and was chattering away to her and all of a sudden she took off into fits of like proper laughing, which apparently she had never done before. It was such a special moment, one I will cherish for a long, long time.

Right now, I'm feeling very tired and looking forward to a nice long hot bath and an early night.

I have to start taking the new medications tomorrow, so really have no idea how my system is going to react to those.

Six more sleeps to Implantation......

Day 13..............Achieved Adequate Thickness

Day 13 and we are just back from the Clinic.

The scan hurt loads and I am in a lot of pain.

Good news though...All those 'thick' thoughts worked.....My womb lining has reached adequate thickness to go ahead with Implantation.

What we did not know was that there is a stage between womb lining thickening and Implantation.........which is 6-7 days of intense medication and hormones.

So...the Implantation is scheduled for next Tuesday....well, more accurately...the Thawing is scheduled for next Tuesday and we have to call the Clinic at 10:30 to find out whether the embryo has survived the thawing process or not.

We are a bit disappointed that we have to wait another week, as we weren't expecting it, but I suppose its good news anyway.

Thank you all so much for your 'I'm Thinking Thick' messages yesterday............Keep those positive thoughts coming coz they are certainly working...!!!

Day 12 ............ Sickness, Sulking and Smoked Coley...!!!

Day 12 and I am pretty much resigned to nausea and vomiting on a regular basis...!!!

I wasnt feeling too bad when I woke up, but it didnt take long for the nausea to start.

So, I asked Patrick to do something this morning and his initial reaction was to refuse to do it, which he quickly changed to 'Oh, I suppose I better do it...coz you'll be sulking for the day if I dont'

SULKING......I'll give him F'n sulking......... Yeah...I'm a bit emotional at times coz I'm so doped up on hormones..........but sulking...??? so I resign myself to believing (temporarily) that he has no idea how difficult all of this is for me and of course, he just doesn't care....oh and of course...This is all his fault anyway coz if he didnt break his stupid ankle we would be on our cruise right now and I wouldnt be sick and hormonal..... ( Ok...so logic had escaped me momentarily...!!!)

We went to Dunnes in Thurles for a bit to do some shopping. I usually do not eat much fish coz I dont really like it and I never buy it...well...unless it is covered in breadcrumbs and comes in a box in the freezer...!!! I usually hate the smell from the fish counter, but today....I was drawn to it and just had to have some smoked coley.....Ok...so I had never even heard of coley before and even Patrick was super surprised that I wanted to buy fresh fish as it is so unlike me.

In all honesty...I probably would have eaten the smoked coley there and then, if it wasnt totally like socially unacceptable to do that...........oh yeah...and the fact that it could have killed me......... but I was seriously craving it...!!!

Yeah and then like two seconds later we passed the fresh meat counter and I had to run to the bathroom and be sick...!!!

We came home then and I've been relaxing since. Its almost time for me to take the next lot of hormones so should be a fun, nausea-filled evening.

We're going back to the Clinic in the morning to see if my womb lining is thick enough to maybe go ahead with the Implantation on Wednesday or Thursday, if it is not thick enough we will probably have to increase the hormones again and wait a few more days..............so think 'thick' everyone...!!!

Day 11.................I Just Don't Care...!!!

Day 11 and I was just so sick I just had to come home. We had planned to stay in Cork til Tuesday, but I am feeling so crappy, all I wanted to do was come home.

I had to increase the hormones again this morning and I have never been so sick and upset and just plain fed-up, in my life...!!!

Even a cup of tea made me sick this afternoon.

So yeah..I've been feeling pretty miserable all day.............well...up until about 5 minutes ago...when I received a well-worded text message from one of my best friends, reminding me that I could be pregnant in just a few days. (Thanks Mary.xx.)

Its almost time for me to take the increased dose of hormones again, so I think I'm just going to snuggle up on the couch for the evening with a bottle of soda water and maybe I'll try some food again a bit later...!!!

Day 10....started off really well......

Day 10 and it started off really well.

We had a lovely breakfast, went shopping for a bit....which was just fabulous...it was relaxed shopping, we stopped and I had a fruit drink, Patrick had a coffee and we just watched the world rushing about for a while. Then we came back to the hotel and had a fabulous lunch.

We came up to the hotel room and after lunch and before I knew it...it was almost 5pm...I had fallen asleep and had slept for almost 2 hours...!!!

I took the hormones at 6pm and was feeling ok for a while. We had arranged to meet Liam in the City at 7:30 and he was taking us out for dinner.
I started to feel a bit weird right before we left, but we got a taxi into the City anyway and Liam took us to the most fabulous restaurant.
As soon as the starter came out, I knew I just couldnt eat it.........my stomach just turned, it was just awful.

The poor waiter, an Italian chap, couldnt understand what was wrong, he thought there was something wrong with the food...!!!

I managed to have most of the main course and of course the Tiramisu stayed down with ease. Patrick and Liam wanted to go for a drink afterwards, but I just couldnt.  I was suffering with major nausea while we were walking down the street and at that point I really just wanted to go back to the hotel.

So, we hopped into a taxi...of course a taxi with a stupidly strong air freshener...which really wasnt helping my nausea situation...!!!

So...we're just back at the hotel now and I'm snuggled up in the bed.

Not really looking forward to tomorrow as I have to increase the hormones again tomorrow and I have been desperately sick every time I have increased the dose.

Patrick has just walked into the room...and even his aftershave (which I love)... has just made me desperately sick.

I think I'm gona try and get some sleep and hopefully shake off this nausea for a few hours anyway......

Day 9 .............. Feeling Great

Day 9 and I am feeling just fantastic.

We have settled into our Hotel room, ok we did have to complain and change rooms coz the first one wasnt clean...but even that didnt result in hormonalness.

I've only had a nausea feeling once today and even that passed very quickly.

So basically all I have planned for the next three days is relaxing, relaxing and more relaxing...(oh and eating lots of ridiculously rich food, spa treatments and maybe even some shopping...!!!)

ok...am off down for dinner now.......

Day 8.............Half Way Point

Day 8 and we have reached the half way point.

Am doing pretty good today. Had a fabulous day at work and spent the evening with some very special friends.

The nausea wasn't too bad today, it came in waves every so often but at least wasn't constant like yesterday. I have been feeling ridiculously tired for most of the day, so hopefully I will get some decent sleep tonight.

We're going away for the weekend tomorrow, so looking forward to that. Will be nice to get a break away from everything (even if its not on a fabulous Mediterranean cruise...!!!).

I am off to the land of nod for now (and hopefully for a decent number of hours)

I am not sure if I will have a wifi connection to update this while I am away, but I will do my best.

Oh...also...we got our first official donation for the Noah Foundation this evening, I was quite emotional accepting it.

So...overall, its been a pretty great day, hopefully it will continue........

Sleep...............Hellooooooooooooo.......Where Are You...???

It figures that as I have increased the hormones, my body is reacting to the increased dose in the same way that it did when I first started taking the hormones. Hence I am not able to sleep, am crippled with nausea...and its feels like it's almost reaching boiling point here right now, I keep burning up...!!!

I have to admit I am feeling quite disheartened about the whole thing right now. Yes, I know it is only a fleeting feeling and is brought on by the fact that I am feeling so crappy, and in the general scheme of things...it probably is not really that big a deal..but right now...in my sleep deprived, nauseous and feverous state...its the biggest deal ever...!!!

Ok...I'm gona try and give this sleeping lark another go.

Nighty Night.xx.

Day 7 ......Nausea, Nausea...and more Nausea...!!!

Day 7 and I've been so sick all day.

I had to double the hormones today and Oh Good God, The nausea has been unreal all day, it just hasn't let up at all.

I came home from work early and went to sleep for an hour, thinking some sleep would help, but I've been worse than ever since I woke up, nausea, headaches, dizziness... Today has just been a nightmare...!!!

Am looking forward to the long weekend and even though we will not be going on our cruise as we had planned, we are going to go away for the weekend, just to get away and relax and unwind before Implantation next week.

Hoping I'm feeling better tomorrow as we have a great day planned at work, The Easter Bunny is coming to visit.

People keep saying to me that it must be so difficult to be working with children, with what I am going through and you know what....it used to be...but not anymore, now, everytime a child runs over to give me a hug or smiles up at me, it makes me smile because it reminds me of what I will have in the (hopefully) not too distant future.

Seven days down, nine to go......

Day 6 ...... Sore 'Mangina'

Day 6 and I got loads of sleep last night, was great.

I was doing really well today, was uncomfortable all day but not in a lot of pain.

I did manage to put a staple through my finger today though...which apparently was very very funny to watch, the pain of it wasnt so funny though.

Patrick and I have taken to watching programmes about pregnancy and labour and babies and anything related to that kind of thing. So...we were watching 'A Baby Story' this evening when my brother Liam came to visit. Trying to feign interest, he asked what an epidural is and I explained to him what it is.
On the show it was explaining about how the woman's pelvis has to expand to create space for the baby's head to fit through.

On hearing this...Liam turns about 20 different shades......... and declares....

"My vagina is hurting just hearing that".

The poor guy is in shock...!!! (I didn't have the heart to explain the difference between male and female anatomy to him...but, at 30...it would explain why he is still single...!!!)

 I have to double the dose of hormones tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to, as I haven't been doing so well on the low dose....I started  crying this evening because I could only find one of my flip-flops...!!!

Ok...Desperate Housewives time.......

Day 5........ Very Tired

Day 5 and I didnt get any sleep last night, so I've been super tired all day.

I came home from work early and slept on the couch for about 30 mins until Patrick came in to the sitting room to watch Air Crash Investigation and woke me up.

The nausea was pretty bad this evening, but seemed to pass after an hour or so.

Seriously exhausted right now, so going to get some sleep...or at least try...

Day 4 cont'd...............I Stand Corrected...!!!

So its after 2:30am on Day 4...........or is it Day 5...???

Right now, I couldn't care less what bloody day it is...I just want this pain to stop and I want to get some sleep...!!!

It feels like someone has been stabbing me in my left ovary for the past 4 hours, so if there is somebody out there holding a grudge and a voodoo doll...please, please stop...!!!

I'm really really thirsty too, which I assume is yet another side effect of these hormones.

The nausea seems to come in waves, but only in the evening time.

I remembered that the sulphuric smell of matches used to help with the morning sickness when I was pregnant last, and it seemed to help with the nausea this evening too, so that's something at least.

It is really difficult right now and I am finding it a lot to bear, but I suppose, in my head I am conscious that in just 2 weeks it will all be over. I think it makes it a bit easier that we have a schedule and we can count down the days, not like before when the timescale was fairly indefinite and every visit to the Clinic was tinged with uncertainty about whether the cycle would be cancelled that day or not.

Alright, I suppose I better try again to get some sleep.

Nighty night.xx.

Day 4 ....... Not too bad

Day 4 and things are not too bad.

I'm in a lot of pain today, but seem less irritable than I have been for the past few days. (Patrick might disagree)

Although...my afternoon did involve shopping and chocolate, so that could have something to do with it.

I am feeling very tired and hugely uncomfortable today, but I haven't had much nausea today, although saying that...it was much later yesterday evening when the nausea came on, so I guess time will tell.

Day 3 .............. "Seriously Ross Breathe Louder"

Day 3 and I am reminded of that episode of Friends where Rachel is unbelievably hormonal and poor Ross can't do right for doing wrong.

I woke up this morning to see what appeared to be the perfect silhouette of a pregnant woman on the curtain............yes, it was just a combination of the way the other curtain was sitting behind it and how the sun was shining in, but it did make me smile.

A sign...could it be???

Everything is annoying me today, I couldnt find my favourite jeans, my hair straightener wasnt heating up fast enough, idiots kept pulling out in front of me when I was driving into town and then just to complete my afternoon of irritation....the coleslaw was touching the lasagne on my plate when we went for lunch...!!!

My ovaries are extremely painful today too.

And here's the mad part..............I am still only on the low dose of hormones...!!!

Suffice to say...people may be offended, insulted or even injured over the next 2 weeks.

I apologise in advance and just remember...it is all for a good cause.

.xx.

Day 2 ......... Enter Hormones

Day 2 and all is not too bad, I guess.

I began taking the lower dose of the hormones today, started off not too bad, but wasn't long before the ovary pains started, mild at first but got progressively worse as the day went on.

Then, this evening the nausea and dizziness started. I called the Clinic and they said that it is normal to feel that way and it should get easier.

I'm feeling a bit weepy today too, but had a really nice day at work (I work with very understanding people...!!!)

I keep having waves of nausea, its just horrid...!!!

Here's hoping it gets easier...SOON...!!!

Never underestimate the power of THE BLOG

So.....a few minutes after my last post.............guess who makes an appearance...!!!

Full steam ahead for tomorrow...!!!

.xx.

Day 1..............I think...???

Ok, so my period, which has been like clockwork for the past 3 months, was due on Tuesday, meaning I would have started the hormones yesterday.

Tuesday came and went..................no sign...!!!

Wednesday came and went........................still no sign, but good God those cramps are unreal.

Thursday..........is almost gone and I am doubled over with cramps and some bare spotting, but................................. period...............helloooooooooooo................are you there...???????

I'm a little (VERY) hormonal this evening too, which has not been helped by the fact that one of my cats seemed to mistake one of my designer handbags for his litter tray..................thanks Charlie...!!!!!!!

Any way...I am currently chilling on the couch, Patrick sitting across the room on the other couch...poor guy afraid to open his mouth or to even look at me crooked, for fear of getting his head bitten off.............. wasn't the best evening for him to complain about me doing some work on my laptop after I got home...............!!! (Sorry Honey).

so for now...fingers crossed that I will have some progress on the whole period thing before midnight, so I can start the hormones tomorrow............Imagine how impossible I will be to live with then...!!!

Countdown to Implantation

Ok.....so...Patrick's ankle is proper broken, so we've had to cancel our cruise...!!!

We were super disappointed for a while, but then we realised...well....if we're not going to be away...we have no reason to wait til May to go back to the Clinic.

I rang the Clinic on Tuesday and the said I could go for my Pre-Menstrual Scan on Friday morning.

So, we went down this morning to have the scan, basically they need to check if there are any cysts on my ovaries before resuming treatment.

The scan hurt as much as it ever did...that left ovary is a master at hide-and-seek...!!!

But ...GOOD NEWS.....no cysts...!!!!!

So, we have all the medication...we just have to wait for my cycle to begin and can start the medication on Day 2, then there will be about 14-16 days of medication before Implantation.

Exciting times...very, very exciting...!!!

Mother's Day Tomorrow...

Ok, so I was doing really well...or at least I thought I was.

I guess I kept pushing it to the back of my mind that tomorrow should have been my first Mother's Day as a Mother.
Avoiding (or at least trying to avoid) these crippling feelings of loss and grief.

I've been restless all day, trying to keep busy...needing to keep busy, anything to keep me occupied to avoid dealing with how I am feeling.

But...as usual...my evasive plan was self-foiled and I am being hit with an overwhelming feeling of missing my son, of needing my son, of wanting him here so badly it actually hurts, it physically hurts...!!!

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, where we show our appreciation to our Mothers, we buy them gifts and take them out to lunch, but do we forget all of the Mothers in the world, who are without their babies? The Mothers out there who find Mother's Day to be one of the hardest days of the year, its right up there with the day they lost their baby and the day their little angel was due.
It is a day which compounds in our hearts just what we have lost, it reminds us of what we are missing from our lives, of what we want the most in our lives but was taken from us.

All is not lost though...my current need to nurture is being well 'accomodated' right now (and not exploited at all...!!!!!!!!) by my husband who missed the bottom step while climbing out of his truck last night and ended up breaking his foot. So, after spending the majority of the day at the hospital, Patrick is laid up on the couch with a hard cast right up to his knee, he is in a lot of pain and is pretty much unable to do anything for himself.
I guess its my turn to look after him for a while.

To all the Mothers out there, whether you can hold your little ones in your arms or not,

Have a very Special Day Tomorrow

.xx.